I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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