A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
