Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
