Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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