Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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