My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
