I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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