Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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