Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
