I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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