I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
