Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
