New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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