Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Randomize
