i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
