You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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