He kissed a someone with a penis
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
