I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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