I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
