I am midnight drunk by noon
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
