i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
