You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize