ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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