Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize