Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
