you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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