I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize