Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
