dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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