I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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