i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
