The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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