just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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