I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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