I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I need to stop coming to work sober
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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