Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
