there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize