well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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