get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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