all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Randomize
