3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
