Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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