Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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