The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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