I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
