I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize