After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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