Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
