sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize