My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
