Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
