Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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