He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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