Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
