trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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