then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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