he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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