Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
