i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
