if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I could fuck to npr.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
